It's Kind of A Big Deal

And I am long overdue for an update, so I must warn you that this is going to be a long one....I recommend sitting back and relaxing or stop reading now....

Last Thursday: I had therapy in the morning in which I rode in the backseat of my own car while my therapist drove me around. I had no idea where we were going and I desperately pleaded with him to let me out of the car for all of 1 minute. Within that minute my anxiety level went from a 10 to a 2....not so bad :) Then we drove around for 20 minutes and I had no anxiety. THEN, he got on the highway...anxiety shot back up to a 10, but dissipated as quickly as it set in. All in all, it was a great exposure experience.

Then I spend the rest of the afternoon anticipating the drive to my friend's rehearsal dinner. The anxiety stayed at about a 7 for the entire afternoon. I desperately wanted to call in sick, but I couldn't let me best friend down like that. So, I sucked it up, cried, and got in the car. About a mile into the drive, the anxiety vanished and I made the hour drive not just anxiety-free, but excited! And. THEN....I took the highway the whole way back with a little encouragement from my other friend who was riding shotgun. Needless to say, I was quite proud of myself. Many a gold star were handed out last Thursday.

Friday: an all around uneventful day

Saturday: I was supposed to get a manicure and a pedicure Saturday morning. I HATE any activity that involves me sitting in one place for too long. My lack of patience is an anxiety playground. I didn't really think I could afford a manicure AND a pedicure, but my husband insisted that I use them as a reward for all of my hard work over the previous week. I compromised for both anxious and financial reason and just got a manicure. About halfway through my anxiety skyrocketed to about an 8 and I was soooo close to throwing a $20 down on the table and running out, never to look back. But I didn't. I sat there, let the anxiety subside and even managed to enjoy myself.

Later that night I spent the night at the bride's house. I knew when I agreed to do this that it was not a good idea. I can barely sleep in my own house, nevermind someone else's. I was able to fall asleep with ease, but about two hours later (3am) I awoke and had a full blown panic attach. I was hot, confused, and tired. My heart was racing and I couldn't fall back asleep. At about 4:30am I woke her up, explained the situation, and headed home to try and get some sleep. i was freaking out because I knew that if I didn't get some sleep then I would be much more prone to anxiety the following day, which was the WEDDING DAY!!! So, I got home and still couldn't get my anxiety to come down. Finally, I passed out at 6am but had to get up at 9am to start my day. Altogether I got a total of 5 hours of sleep....not good.

Sunday: I woke up and had a million errands to run before the wedding including getting my hair done. Again, I was not looking forward to this for the same reasons that I hate getting my nails done. But I did it and with no anxiety at all despite how exhausted I was.

I made it the wedding venue and the day passed so quickly. About an hour before the wedding the bride herself started getting super anxious. I was able to come to her rescue (which was a total ego boost for me) and explain how the anticipation is the worst past. I assured her that as soon as she took that first step down the aisle, all of the anxiety would dissipate. Sure enough, I was right :)

I, too, made it down the aisle anxiety free, gave an amazing speech. I had the room laughing one minute and in tears the next. I did quite a fantastic job if I don't say so myself.

The wedding was beautiful, fun, and fast. I had so much to celebrate: my very best friend getting married, the beautiful day we were blessed with, and being one step closer to conquering my monster.

Back to the present: There are many other little things that I exposed myself to this past week, as well. I won't spare you the details because they were simply baby steps. But I am really starting to get the hang of this and little by little, I can feel this dark cloud lifting from my life. It's been so long since I experienced hope and damn, it feels good. I'm addicted. I want more. And more exactly what I have signed myself up for.

Today in therapy, I drove around downtown Baltimore (not so scary as I thought). I sat in traffic. Only for a 1/4 of a mile and it was moving slowly, but still I did it. And I did it while my anxiety was at a about an 8. Wouldn't you know, I'm still alive to tell the story.

Next week, my therapist and I are visiting the emergency wing of the hospital. The plan is to confront my fear of grossness, sickness, and death. I'm kind of looking forward to it actually....

The following week my husband will be joining me so that he can get tips and lessons on how to best "deal" with me. How he can encourage me to push myself without pushing too hard. How he can be the kind of strength that I want, not the kind that I am dependant upon. We will be riding the light rail. Super scary, but I know that I can do it....

Here's to a week of successful exposures and many more to come. And here's to this very moment, the one that I am striving to stay present in.