One Small Step

The anxiety I could live with. It's these phobias that creep up out of nowhere that seem to ruin my life. I am trying to change my perspective on that and realize that nothing is ruined by anxious moments. Like everything else, the anxiety will pass. So, two (of my many) irrational fears are riding as a passenger in someone else's car and riding in the backseat. Either one of these situations is enough to trigger those awful sensations...sweaty palms, racing heartbeat, the need to escape AT ANY COST....

Today I welcomed that anxiety into my life. I rode in the backseat of my husband's car while he drove us to Target. It may seem small to you, but to me it is just a sign of greater things to come. The best part of it all is that I didn't even feel a bit of anxiety. In fact, I giggled and laughed the ENTIRE ride. It felt so silly to be sitting in the backseat when a perfectly good passenger seat was unoccupied. It felt so silly that I let something so simple cause me such distress. It felt so silly that one little exercise helped me to see things in an entirely new light. Most importantly, it felt so good to laugh. To relax, have fun, and just enjoy the ride for once.

I caught sight of the girl I used to be. And so did my husband, if only for a minute.

Thanks so all my new blog friends for reaching out to me. Your kind words and encouragement mean soooooooo much to me!! I can't even begin to explain what a relief it is to feel a little less alone. I am going to write all of you back very soon, I promise. But for now, I am going to Home Depot and I think I might ride in the backseat again :) A girl could really get used to being chauffeured around...

Here's to small steps and new friends.....

Playing Catch up

So....I realize that it has been a while since I have updated. Not that anyone reads it, but it is good for me to have somewhere to write out my thoughts.

I have been seeing a therapist at the Anxiety and Stress Disorder Institute at Shepphard Pratt. For those of you who don't know, this is essentially a mental hospital. I am receiving outpatient services. For now. But that's another topic for another time.

For now I am seeing this therapist and I am doing "exposure therapy." This basically means that he is going to force me to have panic attacks and deal with those feelings head on. I have to do something everyday that causes me to get anxious. Talk about uncomfortable. I am absolutely terrified. What person, in their right mind, would willingly drive to see someone who is going to INDUCE panic. I spend so much time and so much energy avoiding those sensations and feelings and now I am supposed to not only allow them to happen, but I am supposed to look forward to it????

The whole idea is that by allowing the panic to happen, I am gaining power of this monster inside of me. I am not the monster. I am just a woman who happens to freak out upon experiencing sensations that everyone feels--my body just reacts differently. It does make me feel slightly less alone in all this to know that anxiety is a perfectly normal thing to feel.

It's been 2 weeks and I am not feeling better at all. In fact, here it is 5pm on a Friday and I am still in my pajamas and sitting on the couch. I haven't even brushed my teeth yet. Gross, I know. But no one is here to see it. I'll probably hop in the shower soon so then I can at least make it look like I made some effort today when my husband walks through the door.

Here's to hoping that these truly are the first steps to recovery. I'm not sure I can do worse.

May 11,2009

Super rough weekend, but I finally think I got through to my husband as to how much help I need...and how I can't do this by myself...and how I have no idea where to start. I broke down Saturday and Sunday. I didn't want to be home. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to be around anyone. I didn't want to to be alone. But the husband made me go and and forced me to be around other people and in the end, I'm glad he did. Then I rewarded him by telling him that I am attracted to one of our new friends (see big secret in previous post).

It sounds a lot worse than it actually is. I have no desire to pursue anything and I LOVE my husband dearly. I think it's bad timing for a horrible combination of being angry at my husband for all his traveling, a culmination of hitting the bottom with my anxiety/depression, and just plain curiosity and enjoying this attention. The idea that someone wants to actually get to know me strikes me as odd because I am pretty sure that there isn't much to get to know. I might just be the world's most boring person. And yet, someone doesn't seem to think so. Intriguing? Yes, but also completely innocent. The best part is that my wonderful, logical husband completely understood. He made me feel much better by telling me that this is completely normal and that it would abnormal to go through life never being attracted to another man. He even said that he has been attracted to other women before and as long as we know our boundaries (I do) and stick to them (I will) then there is really no harm done. I am the queen of feeling guilty, so I am trying to feel a little less guilty about this.

I do love that man despite it all. A huge part of me is afraid that I am ruining his life because I can't emotionally handle being the wife he deserves right now. But he's known me for many, many years and he remembers well the girl I used to be and the girl I am trying to get back to. He won't let me forget and I love him for that. He holds out hope long after I have lost it. There is no way I could do this without him. However, that doesn't change the fact that I don't like that he travels once a month. And apparently he doesn't either. I guess maybe he is struggling with something too and it is possible that my issues are overshadowing his own. I think he is struggling with wanting to be in two places at once--here with me and pursuing his career wherever that might take him. Perhaps, me saying that he needs to find that balance and make sacrifices if need be (despite how true I believe that to be) is just as unfair and unreasonable as him telling me to "just relax" when I am anxious.

But that doesn't mean I want to settle. And neither should he.

On another note, I called the ASDI people again and left another voicemail. I also called the Pro Bono people and left a message. Both told me that I would hear back from them within 24 hours. Not being able to afford health care sucks. Big time. I can't help but feel that if I had all the money on the world, I would have alleviated this problem many moons ago. Alas, I don't have time to worry about what I don't have. We'll see if either of these routes gets me anywhere. Meanwhile, my husband is researching possible outlets for medication assistance just in case it comes to that, we will be prepared. We also have no prescription coverage. Is there no end to this madness???? I am a money pit. I am what you call a bad investment. I cost without contributing.

For today:

1. Call ASDI. (done)
2. Call Pro Bono. (done)
3. Make the bed.
4. Straighten up the apartment.
5. Make turkey burgers for dinner.

It's a little chilly out, but I might try to go for a walk, as well.

Here's to receiving mental health care without breaking the bank. I am human, I deserve nothing less.

May 8, 2009

So....I didn't exactly accomplish everything on my to do list for today. Instead, I decided I was going to allow myself to by flexible and just go with the flow today. I did do a load of laundry, make the bed, and clean the kitchen floor. But also did SO MUCH MORE :) I didn't just stop at the floor. I deep cleaned my ENTIRE apartment!! It felt really good to do this because I usually do not have the energy or desire to take on such a big project. Of course, I had to sacrifice my exercise, which I know is important, but I still feel good about how I spent my time. And even better about the fact that I didn't just sit around stare at the computer all day.

As I sit here writing this, I feel a looming sense of anxiety. I am little concerned about something that I'm not quite ready to share. In fact, I'm just hoping it will all go away. I know that I should be completely open about my thoughts, but for now I need to keep these thoughts to myself until I can sort through them a little more thoroughly.

Yes, my husband and I got into a huge fight AGAIN last night. This time because (although it is none of my business) I strongly disapprove of his boss' behavior. This man has a wife and a 1 year old at home, yet he goes out many nights and is out of town even more frequently than my husband. I truly believe that if this works for them, then fine. But the argument was more about how I was telling him that this would never work for me and he was telling me how he didn't see a problem with it. What happened to the man I married? The man whose priorities were the same as mine--raising a healthy, happy family together. It seems he has been taken over by career man who doesn't have a problem putting our future hypothetical family above his need to be the best at his job. I know people change, but I fear that after 7 short months, he and I have started changing in opposite direction instead of together. How do we get back on track? I love him so much and that's why I plan to keep trying. It's just that sometimes I feel like I am talking to a stranger.

I know that anxiety effects a person's loved ones too and I assume that this is just as much my fault as it his, but I can't seem to find a way to reverse this course we've set ourselves on. A few hours ago, we spoke on the phone and made a pact that not only are we not going to fight all weekend, but we are going to have a fabulous weekend together. In love.

So, this weekend is going to be busy one. I have a little bit of a challenge before me tomorrow. My best friend is throwing a surprise party for her fiance and I have to get there early and decorate for her. All alone. Or at least in a room full of people who I don't know. For one hour. I want to try to do it, but I think I may try to convince my husband to help me. Just so I'm not so all alone.

No list for the weekend. It's too unpredictable. I'll check back in on Sunday to make plans for Monday. 2 days...I think I can make it.

Here's to have a good weekend with my husband.

May 7, 2009

I guess this isn't going as well as I had hoped. Despite yesterday not being such a good day, I really didn't have time or energy to write about it. I am trying to keep in mind that if I can just push through the lack of desire and start writing, then I will be much happier that I did it....

So, my marriage isn't exactly doing as well as it should be. We've only been married for a little over 7 months and these 7 months have BY FAR been the most difficult months of our entire relationship. To be fair, a lot has happened in our lives since we got married : my husband had a career change and started a new job (his dream job), I graduated from college, and I lost my part-time job. We have been struggling financially and fighting fairly frequently .We love each other very much and I am absolutely positive that if we didn't, one of us surely would have packed our bags by now. And I think that person would have been me.

When my husband took on this new job we were under the impression that the travel would only be "occasionally." Well, unless occasionally means one week per month, then we were misled. Anxiety aside, I feel this is too much for a husband of mine to be traveling. I never wanted to marry someone who would be gone so often and I certainly have no plans to bring children into a family where the daddy is gone so frequently. My husband has always known this. Now we are stuck between our elation that he is finally getting to pursue what he loves and my desire to have a husband who doesn't travel so often. What do we do? How do we solve this issue? Obviously one of us is going to be very unhappy with the outcome but we can't seem to reach a compromise. Top that all off with him telling his boss in front of another co-worker that my "psychological well-being" is at stake every time he boards an airplane. He might as well just come out and say "I have a crazy person for a wife." Talk about humiliating. I just wish he would think (about someone besides himself) before he speaks.

I truly fear that this issue will be the downfall of our marriage. His inability to see that this is only 10% about anxiety and 90% about the kind of family I want for myself. I already find myself getting bitter and resentful, but I can't tell him that. He would only argue about how this affects him and get defensive over my refusal to compromise my own happiness as his expense. All the while not seeing the hypocrite that he is being. Anyway....

Enough about that for now. I'm sure I'll have more to post about it later as the impending date looms....May 25th for 7 days and another trip at the end of June for 5 days. Let the countdowns begin....

In other news, I was able to complete all daily task items on my list from Tuesday, although ASDI has yet to return my email or my voicemail. And not only did I cut out the pattern for the apron, I finished the entire thing!! I am pretty proud of myself.

My anxiety level has been up and down today. I had to go to my part-time job this morning which always brings on the anticipatory anxiety. I smoked half a cigarette on the way there in order to calm myself down. But don't tell my husband. We quit smoking (it's been a weak for me) despite the fact that I regularly rely on my cigarettes to get me through anxiety provoking situations. He doesn't understand that though. He just knows that he quit and that I said I would and that we can't afford it any longer. I don't expect him to understand how much smoking a cigarette really calms me down and I how much I need them to get through the day sometimes. I can't expect him to understand that because I don't know how to explain it to him. He needs to quit for health reasons and that is his #1 concern right now. If I don't quit, then he won't be successful. UUggghh, why is marriage so hard?????????

As I was saying, the feeling of needing to bolt immediately while thinking of excuses as to why I had to leave so suddenly/praying that my cell phone would ring so I could pretend that there was en emergency that I needed to attend to subsided after about 10 minutes. I worked for 2 hours and then called it a day--not because I was anxious but because I was out of work to do. Despite believing that my anxiety had crawled back into its hole, I still felt immense relief upon buckling myself in to the comfort of my car. Then I went to Target all by myself and bought a mop. I looooove Target and only recently has standing in line begun to cause me undue stress, I really hope this goes away soon because I like shopping way too much for anxiety to stand between me and it. If only I could parlay that motivation into other aspects of my life. Perhaps because I derive little joy from other things in my life. Something is seriously wrong with me.

So, for tomorrow I would like to accomplish the following:

1. 30 plus minutes of walking/jogging followed by light strength training.
2. Mop the kitchen floor with my new mop :)
3. Go to the bank.
4. Do a load of laundry.
5. Make the bed.

Seems like a lot. Maybe not to you. Here's too hoping that tomorrow (and every other day thereafter) is a good day.

May 5, 2009

I am terrified. Simply terrified. I was lying in bed last night and, as usual, having a difficult time falling asleep. It occurred to me that my anxiety is getting worse and worse, slowing creeping towards full blown agoraphobia. It seems that every month or so something new pops up that I am suddenly paralyzed with fear to do. Five years ago, I could do anything and go anywhere. Today there is so much that I can't do.

I decided that I need to do something. I have wanted to do something about this for a very long time. But I am scared. Scared because I know this endeavor is going to cause me great discomfort. I am going to have to force myself to confront my anxiety head on and stand up to those things that I fear the most. But how do you stand up to fearing fear? Where do I find the weak link in the vicious circle that has become my life? For now I am choosing to start right here, today.

The plan as it stands is to outline my thoughts and feelings first, followed by making an action plan. Then each and every day I will write about my progress and setbacks. One year from now I want to be able to look back at the person I am today and see a total stranger. Just like I look back now on the girl I used to be--a girl who is barely recognizable and slips further and further away with each passing day.

Sometimes I think that my anxiety is an addiction. Obviously, I developed it as a means to cope with something in my life that felt totally out of my control. I am still unsure as to what that something is, but I no longer want to band aid it's symptoms. These symptoms (combined with my inherent stubbornness) keep me from letting go of this addiction--the mechanism I have created just to get through each day. Just to have a reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Maybe I need my own 12-step program. If only one existed for those of us living with anxiety and depression. I work well with guides and outlines and this speaks volumes to me.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

If only I could take God out of it and replace it with the ability to do these things for myself. If you too struggle with anxiety, then this probably speaks to you, as well. Control, control, control. That's what it's all about for me and when I can not control my circumstances (which is almost always) then that is when the panic sets in. It's not that I don't believe in God, it's more that I don't care if I believe in God or not. I don't see how what I believe could have an influence on what actually is...if that makes any sense. I wish that I could just believe in God because I have heard that faith in something larger helps when relinquishing control, but doesn't that also seem like a cop out? It also doesn't help that my husband in a devout non-believer, and I am not in a place where I could go to church by myself.

Now onto the plan...

Here are my life goals. Things that I want to be able to do, without hesitation, in a year from now. (I reserve the right to add items to this list at anytime, but I will never remove any goals)

1. Finally get on an airplane and take a belated honeymoon with my husband.
2. Allow myself to get pregnant.
3. Drive on the beltway during rush hour.
4. Take a girls weekend away.
5. Start a new job doing something that I love.

But for now, I know that I have to take it one day at a time. Just for today, I will accomplish the following:

1. Call the Anxiety and Stress Disorder Institute of MD at Sheppard Pratt to see if they offer programs for people who can't afford their services. If the answer is no, then I will call the Pro Bono Project and attempt to be paired with a therapist who specializes in treating anxiety disorders.
2. Apply for at least one job.
3. Get out the pattern for Jackie's apron that I am making.
4. Eat three healthy meals and go for a 30 minute walk.
5. Make the bed.

They may seem like small steps, but accomplishing this today would be great. I have a tendency to wallow in my bad feelings and accomplish very little throughout the day, but today is going to be a good day. I got out of bed at 9 am despite not falling asleep until 2 am last night and I have goals for the day.

Here's to taking the first step....