Anatomy of Panic Attack

Yes, it is true. I am having a panic attack as we speak. I am trying to write through this, so I apologize if I seem incoherent or I can't spell. I have really been panicking since about 7:oo last night. Tim left for another trip today--he is all the way on the other side of the country. Or rather, he will be. Right now he is sitting in the airport waiting for his plane to leave, which is in about 45 minutes. I can't handle this. I am nervous about him flying and about him being away from me, you know, just in case I need him. For what? I don't know, but it comforts me to know he is usually never more than a short drive away from me. This weekend he will be a 4 hour plane ride away. Most of all, I just don't want to feel like this all weekend. It's almost 8 am here, but I didn't really sleep much last night. And I can't sleep now. I am all alone. My two best friends are at work, my mom is at the beach, and my husband is at the airport.

I feel awful. My heart is racing, I can't stop crying. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't think this is ever going to end. He comes home Sunday afternoon, so I have the next 55 hours to feel this way. I can't make it stop. I can't make it go back down. I have been bouncing from a full blown 10 to a 6 to a 3 only to have it shoot right back up to 10 again. I am trying to change my attitude, I am trying not to think "what if...," I am trying to breathe deep. None of it seems to be working. So, I took to my blog to try to write my thoughts out. But I find that I have nothing to say or write about. So, let's take this step-by-step:

what if's going through my mind:

• what if his plane crashes?
• what if he has to work to0 hard and gets too tired?
• what if these anxious sensations never go away?
• what if i can't make it through the entire weekend?
• what if there is a thunderstorm (or worse, a tornado) while he is gone and I am all alone?
• what if i can fall back asleep?
• what if someone needs me but I am too anxious to help them?
• what if this is the day where I finally go crazy?
• what if i have to go to the emergency room when I don't have insurance so i can't afford to go?
• what if i never see him again and the last minutes I had with him were while I was panicking?

I am sure more will come to me later, but that is all I can think about right now. So, what do I do next? I guess I should write out why none of these things are actually going to happen:

• the chances of his plane crashing are so slim. apparently, it is safer to fly than to drive and he drives to work every day. perhaps, i should just consider this his morning commute. just because i get anxious at the idea of flying doesn't mean that he will. many, many people fly everyday, all day and nothing bad happens at all. and even if (god forbid) something was going to happen, it is completely out of my control and no amount of worrying on my part could prevent it or make it happen.
  
• he probably won't work himself too hard. it will only be 10:30 am when he gets to Colorado and he doesn't have to report to the shoot until tomorrow. it is true, that he has to get up super early tomorrow morning, but as long as he gets to bed early tonight then he should be fine in the morning. he has done this so many times and nothing bad has ever come of it. the human body is resilient and it built to take a little hard work. then he gets to come home on sunday and i can let him catch up on his rest all day.
• it is impossible to for these sensations to never go away. i have felt them so many times before and they always go away eventually.
  
• can't make it through the entire weekend? i don't really see another option. worse case scenario, i feel anxious all weekend, but regardless I will come out on the other side.
  
• yes, i am terrified of thunderstorms, but i have lived through so many. thunderstorms can't last forever anyway. there's a chance it won't even storm anyway. and when was the last time we had a tornado is MD?
  
• the chances of someone needing me, are very slim. just because i imagine all these worst case scenarios in my head, doesn't mean they are going to happen. to me or to anyone. and even if someone does need me, i could probably push my anxiety aside and do what i needed to do for someone that i love.
  
• if this is the day that i finally go crazy, then so be it. if i really were to go crazy, i wouldn't even know any better. isn't that the very definition of crazy?
• chances are that i won't have to go to the emergency room. i have had to do so before. and even if i did, we could always find someway to pay for it. money should be the least of my concerns right now.
  
• i will see him again. he always come home to me. and if i can hold it together when he calls me before he boards his plane, then i can use that as another opportunity to make sure that those moments aren't full of panic. or at least i can try my best.
  

That's all I got. I sort of feel a little better. I was still up and down while writing that list. At the moment I am at a 4 or so. But I am still anticipating that rising to a 10. Darn anticipation...it's truly the worst part. All I want is for him to be home already. Someone please help me to make the thoughts go away.....

General Musings on my Anxiety

People are literally crawling out of the woodwork to talk to me about their anxiety. Since I "came out" about 2 months ago and opened up about my anxiety issues to the world, I have had at least 4 people come to me seeking advice. ME??? What do I know? I guess these people missed the whole part where I said I have anxiety and I am just starting to figure it all out. Don't get me wrong, I love the sense of community that has come from my openness. I just don't understand why I am now the resident expert in my circle of friends. And just to be clear, I am not talking about you, my blogging friends. I love talking with you all!! And I love talking to the people I know in real life, as well. I just find it strange. And by strange I mean that I secretly love it :)

Of course, there will always be those people that don't understand and they will always be the majority, but those few people who do understand exactly what I am going through make it so much easier to just be myself. This, coupled with the fact that I am starting to feel so much better, I have begun thinking about what it is that I want to do with myself. Now that the anxiety is beginning to dissipate, I am actually looking forward (GASP) to getting a real job! I wish that there was some capacity that I was qualified to help others with anxiety--other than the fact that I lived through it and came out clean on the other side. Getting another degree just isn't in the cards for me, so I am trying hard to brainstorm ways in which I can be of service to anxiety disorder community in some way. So far, I got nothing....but at least I'm planning. PLANNING for the FUTURE!!

On another note, my husband has another business trip this weekend. He is going out to Colorado. The good news is that it is a short trip. 3 days, 2 nights. Certainly, I can live through that, but I know it isn't going to be easy. Normally when these trips are approaching I allow the anxiety to build up weeks in advance, so that when it finally surfaces, it ain't even close to pretty. I am trying really hard this week to not anticipate feeling anxious about his being gone. Instead I am enjoying these days together and allowing for the fact that there is a good chance I will have a panic attack after he leaves. But AFTER is ok. After is normal. And after will rise and fall. It always does. This is his first trip away since I started my treatment program and this will probably be my biggest test. I am keeping my confidence level high and reminding myself that the anxiety this trip creates will only make me stronger. I am welcoming this anxiety because it is an opportunity for me to grow.

So, I'll keep you posted on that. Also, I will update you on the state of my marriage in general as there was a lot of bitching about that in the beginnings of this blog....stay tuned.

Here's to living and loving my anxiety....

It's Kind of A Big Deal

And I am long overdue for an update, so I must warn you that this is going to be a long one....I recommend sitting back and relaxing or stop reading now....

Last Thursday: I had therapy in the morning in which I rode in the backseat of my own car while my therapist drove me around. I had no idea where we were going and I desperately pleaded with him to let me out of the car for all of 1 minute. Within that minute my anxiety level went from a 10 to a 2....not so bad :) Then we drove around for 20 minutes and I had no anxiety. THEN, he got on the highway...anxiety shot back up to a 10, but dissipated as quickly as it set in. All in all, it was a great exposure experience.

Then I spend the rest of the afternoon anticipating the drive to my friend's rehearsal dinner. The anxiety stayed at about a 7 for the entire afternoon. I desperately wanted to call in sick, but I couldn't let me best friend down like that. So, I sucked it up, cried, and got in the car. About a mile into the drive, the anxiety vanished and I made the hour drive not just anxiety-free, but excited! And. THEN....I took the highway the whole way back with a little encouragement from my other friend who was riding shotgun. Needless to say, I was quite proud of myself. Many a gold star were handed out last Thursday.

Friday: an all around uneventful day

Saturday: I was supposed to get a manicure and a pedicure Saturday morning. I HATE any activity that involves me sitting in one place for too long. My lack of patience is an anxiety playground. I didn't really think I could afford a manicure AND a pedicure, but my husband insisted that I use them as a reward for all of my hard work over the previous week. I compromised for both anxious and financial reason and just got a manicure. About halfway through my anxiety skyrocketed to about an 8 and I was soooo close to throwing a $20 down on the table and running out, never to look back. But I didn't. I sat there, let the anxiety subside and even managed to enjoy myself.

Later that night I spent the night at the bride's house. I knew when I agreed to do this that it was not a good idea. I can barely sleep in my own house, nevermind someone else's. I was able to fall asleep with ease, but about two hours later (3am) I awoke and had a full blown panic attach. I was hot, confused, and tired. My heart was racing and I couldn't fall back asleep. At about 4:30am I woke her up, explained the situation, and headed home to try and get some sleep. i was freaking out because I knew that if I didn't get some sleep then I would be much more prone to anxiety the following day, which was the WEDDING DAY!!! So, I got home and still couldn't get my anxiety to come down. Finally, I passed out at 6am but had to get up at 9am to start my day. Altogether I got a total of 5 hours of sleep....not good.

Sunday: I woke up and had a million errands to run before the wedding including getting my hair done. Again, I was not looking forward to this for the same reasons that I hate getting my nails done. But I did it and with no anxiety at all despite how exhausted I was.

I made it the wedding venue and the day passed so quickly. About an hour before the wedding the bride herself started getting super anxious. I was able to come to her rescue (which was a total ego boost for me) and explain how the anticipation is the worst past. I assured her that as soon as she took that first step down the aisle, all of the anxiety would dissipate. Sure enough, I was right :)

I, too, made it down the aisle anxiety free, gave an amazing speech. I had the room laughing one minute and in tears the next. I did quite a fantastic job if I don't say so myself.

The wedding was beautiful, fun, and fast. I had so much to celebrate: my very best friend getting married, the beautiful day we were blessed with, and being one step closer to conquering my monster.

Back to the present: There are many other little things that I exposed myself to this past week, as well. I won't spare you the details because they were simply baby steps. But I am really starting to get the hang of this and little by little, I can feel this dark cloud lifting from my life. It's been so long since I experienced hope and damn, it feels good. I'm addicted. I want more. And more exactly what I have signed myself up for.

Today in therapy, I drove around downtown Baltimore (not so scary as I thought). I sat in traffic. Only for a 1/4 of a mile and it was moving slowly, but still I did it. And I did it while my anxiety was at a about an 8. Wouldn't you know, I'm still alive to tell the story.

Next week, my therapist and I are visiting the emergency wing of the hospital. The plan is to confront my fear of grossness, sickness, and death. I'm kind of looking forward to it actually....

The following week my husband will be joining me so that he can get tips and lessons on how to best "deal" with me. How he can encourage me to push myself without pushing too hard. How he can be the kind of strength that I want, not the kind that I am dependant upon. We will be riding the light rail. Super scary, but I know that I can do it....

Here's to a week of successful exposures and many more to come. And here's to this very moment, the one that I am striving to stay present in.

I guess this is what you call progress...

I rode an elevator. Up, down, all around. With my therapist and by myself. Yet, I experienced no anxiety. This is good in the sense that I was able to do it and am actually looking forward to doing it again. This is bad in the sense that I didn't experience any anxiety so I was unable to practice feelings those sensations while with my therapist. I almost felt like I let him down. He told me to be sure that I give myself credit where credit is due. I did well and I should be proud of that.

I just want to bring on the anxiety!! This week I am going to take some medicine (because that makes me anxious) and then ride in the backseat of his car while he drives somewhere that I am unfamiliar with. Sounds awful to me, but I am looking forward to it.

It's a bust week for me and there are many anxiety provoking situations in my immediate future. My best friend is getting married next weekend, so I have to drive to the rehearsal dinner which means traffic on the beltway at 5:00 on a Thursday. I haven't sat in traffic for YEARS! I have been avoiding it longer than any other of my phobias. Should be interesting. I'll keep you posted on that.

Then, as the matron of honor, I have to walk down an aisle, stand in front of a bunch of strangers, and give a SPEECH at the reception. Luckily, the bride is a lovely, sweet lady so all of the attention will be on her regardless of how I am acting. But what if I panic? What if I totally freak out in front of everyone???? I would be mortified! I guess that is just the fear talking. What I should be thinking is that I look forward to the anxiety. I want this anxiety. I can do this....

I'll work on that attitude adjustment. Until then....

Here's to doing the unimaginable and doing it well!

The Stars are Aligning

Do you ever have those moments when it just feels like everything is falling into place? I rarely do, but for the first time (in a long time) I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am finally in a real treatment program for my anxiety. My doctors are as committed to me as I am to them. In the two short weeks since I sought treatment for my anxiety, I have decided to be open and honest with all my friends and family about what has been ailing me. Now people are coming out of the woodwork to seek me out for advice on how to cope with their anxiety. I've had not one, not two, but THREE friends confide in me about their anxiety issues. It's crazy, really, when you truly learn that you are not alone!!!

I also found this new television show on A&E called "Obsession." It's sort of like "Intervention," except they chronicle the lives of people suffering with anxiety disorders (OCD, panic disorder, hoarding, etc.) and then these people participate in an intense 12-week cognitive behavioral/exposure therapy program, which is EXACTLY like the program that I am participating in. So far, I have watched two episodes following a total of 4 people all of which are leading much happier, healthier lives are seeking treatment.

It's amazing what watching this has done for my confidence. Although watching them allow themselves to panic by facing their fears was enough to practically send me into full blown panic myself. It also excited me and gave me hope that if they can do it, I can do.

Two more days until my next treatment session and I think that this time we are really getting down to business. Secretly, I am looking forward to it....

Here's to the first glimmer of hope that I have felt in a very long time....

One Small Step

The anxiety I could live with. It's these phobias that creep up out of nowhere that seem to ruin my life. I am trying to change my perspective on that and realize that nothing is ruined by anxious moments. Like everything else, the anxiety will pass. So, two (of my many) irrational fears are riding as a passenger in someone else's car and riding in the backseat. Either one of these situations is enough to trigger those awful sensations...sweaty palms, racing heartbeat, the need to escape AT ANY COST....

Today I welcomed that anxiety into my life. I rode in the backseat of my husband's car while he drove us to Target. It may seem small to you, but to me it is just a sign of greater things to come. The best part of it all is that I didn't even feel a bit of anxiety. In fact, I giggled and laughed the ENTIRE ride. It felt so silly to be sitting in the backseat when a perfectly good passenger seat was unoccupied. It felt so silly that I let something so simple cause me such distress. It felt so silly that one little exercise helped me to see things in an entirely new light. Most importantly, it felt so good to laugh. To relax, have fun, and just enjoy the ride for once.

I caught sight of the girl I used to be. And so did my husband, if only for a minute.

Thanks so all my new blog friends for reaching out to me. Your kind words and encouragement mean soooooooo much to me!! I can't even begin to explain what a relief it is to feel a little less alone. I am going to write all of you back very soon, I promise. But for now, I am going to Home Depot and I think I might ride in the backseat again :) A girl could really get used to being chauffeured around...

Here's to small steps and new friends.....

Playing Catch up

So....I realize that it has been a while since I have updated. Not that anyone reads it, but it is good for me to have somewhere to write out my thoughts.

I have been seeing a therapist at the Anxiety and Stress Disorder Institute at Shepphard Pratt. For those of you who don't know, this is essentially a mental hospital. I am receiving outpatient services. For now. But that's another topic for another time.

For now I am seeing this therapist and I am doing "exposure therapy." This basically means that he is going to force me to have panic attacks and deal with those feelings head on. I have to do something everyday that causes me to get anxious. Talk about uncomfortable. I am absolutely terrified. What person, in their right mind, would willingly drive to see someone who is going to INDUCE panic. I spend so much time and so much energy avoiding those sensations and feelings and now I am supposed to not only allow them to happen, but I am supposed to look forward to it????

The whole idea is that by allowing the panic to happen, I am gaining power of this monster inside of me. I am not the monster. I am just a woman who happens to freak out upon experiencing sensations that everyone feels--my body just reacts differently. It does make me feel slightly less alone in all this to know that anxiety is a perfectly normal thing to feel.

It's been 2 weeks and I am not feeling better at all. In fact, here it is 5pm on a Friday and I am still in my pajamas and sitting on the couch. I haven't even brushed my teeth yet. Gross, I know. But no one is here to see it. I'll probably hop in the shower soon so then I can at least make it look like I made some effort today when my husband walks through the door.

Here's to hoping that these truly are the first steps to recovery. I'm not sure I can do worse.

May 11,2009

Super rough weekend, but I finally think I got through to my husband as to how much help I need...and how I can't do this by myself...and how I have no idea where to start. I broke down Saturday and Sunday. I didn't want to be home. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to be around anyone. I didn't want to to be alone. But the husband made me go and and forced me to be around other people and in the end, I'm glad he did. Then I rewarded him by telling him that I am attracted to one of our new friends (see big secret in previous post).

It sounds a lot worse than it actually is. I have no desire to pursue anything and I LOVE my husband dearly. I think it's bad timing for a horrible combination of being angry at my husband for all his traveling, a culmination of hitting the bottom with my anxiety/depression, and just plain curiosity and enjoying this attention. The idea that someone wants to actually get to know me strikes me as odd because I am pretty sure that there isn't much to get to know. I might just be the world's most boring person. And yet, someone doesn't seem to think so. Intriguing? Yes, but also completely innocent. The best part is that my wonderful, logical husband completely understood. He made me feel much better by telling me that this is completely normal and that it would abnormal to go through life never being attracted to another man. He even said that he has been attracted to other women before and as long as we know our boundaries (I do) and stick to them (I will) then there is really no harm done. I am the queen of feeling guilty, so I am trying to feel a little less guilty about this.

I do love that man despite it all. A huge part of me is afraid that I am ruining his life because I can't emotionally handle being the wife he deserves right now. But he's known me for many, many years and he remembers well the girl I used to be and the girl I am trying to get back to. He won't let me forget and I love him for that. He holds out hope long after I have lost it. There is no way I could do this without him. However, that doesn't change the fact that I don't like that he travels once a month. And apparently he doesn't either. I guess maybe he is struggling with something too and it is possible that my issues are overshadowing his own. I think he is struggling with wanting to be in two places at once--here with me and pursuing his career wherever that might take him. Perhaps, me saying that he needs to find that balance and make sacrifices if need be (despite how true I believe that to be) is just as unfair and unreasonable as him telling me to "just relax" when I am anxious.

But that doesn't mean I want to settle. And neither should he.

On another note, I called the ASDI people again and left another voicemail. I also called the Pro Bono people and left a message. Both told me that I would hear back from them within 24 hours. Not being able to afford health care sucks. Big time. I can't help but feel that if I had all the money on the world, I would have alleviated this problem many moons ago. Alas, I don't have time to worry about what I don't have. We'll see if either of these routes gets me anywhere. Meanwhile, my husband is researching possible outlets for medication assistance just in case it comes to that, we will be prepared. We also have no prescription coverage. Is there no end to this madness???? I am a money pit. I am what you call a bad investment. I cost without contributing.

For today:

1. Call ASDI. (done)
2. Call Pro Bono. (done)
3. Make the bed.
4. Straighten up the apartment.
5. Make turkey burgers for dinner.

It's a little chilly out, but I might try to go for a walk, as well.

Here's to receiving mental health care without breaking the bank. I am human, I deserve nothing less.

May 8, 2009

So....I didn't exactly accomplish everything on my to do list for today. Instead, I decided I was going to allow myself to by flexible and just go with the flow today. I did do a load of laundry, make the bed, and clean the kitchen floor. But also did SO MUCH MORE :) I didn't just stop at the floor. I deep cleaned my ENTIRE apartment!! It felt really good to do this because I usually do not have the energy or desire to take on such a big project. Of course, I had to sacrifice my exercise, which I know is important, but I still feel good about how I spent my time. And even better about the fact that I didn't just sit around stare at the computer all day.

As I sit here writing this, I feel a looming sense of anxiety. I am little concerned about something that I'm not quite ready to share. In fact, I'm just hoping it will all go away. I know that I should be completely open about my thoughts, but for now I need to keep these thoughts to myself until I can sort through them a little more thoroughly.

Yes, my husband and I got into a huge fight AGAIN last night. This time because (although it is none of my business) I strongly disapprove of his boss' behavior. This man has a wife and a 1 year old at home, yet he goes out many nights and is out of town even more frequently than my husband. I truly believe that if this works for them, then fine. But the argument was more about how I was telling him that this would never work for me and he was telling me how he didn't see a problem with it. What happened to the man I married? The man whose priorities were the same as mine--raising a healthy, happy family together. It seems he has been taken over by career man who doesn't have a problem putting our future hypothetical family above his need to be the best at his job. I know people change, but I fear that after 7 short months, he and I have started changing in opposite direction instead of together. How do we get back on track? I love him so much and that's why I plan to keep trying. It's just that sometimes I feel like I am talking to a stranger.

I know that anxiety effects a person's loved ones too and I assume that this is just as much my fault as it his, but I can't seem to find a way to reverse this course we've set ourselves on. A few hours ago, we spoke on the phone and made a pact that not only are we not going to fight all weekend, but we are going to have a fabulous weekend together. In love.

So, this weekend is going to be busy one. I have a little bit of a challenge before me tomorrow. My best friend is throwing a surprise party for her fiance and I have to get there early and decorate for her. All alone. Or at least in a room full of people who I don't know. For one hour. I want to try to do it, but I think I may try to convince my husband to help me. Just so I'm not so all alone.

No list for the weekend. It's too unpredictable. I'll check back in on Sunday to make plans for Monday. 2 days...I think I can make it.

Here's to have a good weekend with my husband.

May 7, 2009

I guess this isn't going as well as I had hoped. Despite yesterday not being such a good day, I really didn't have time or energy to write about it. I am trying to keep in mind that if I can just push through the lack of desire and start writing, then I will be much happier that I did it....

So, my marriage isn't exactly doing as well as it should be. We've only been married for a little over 7 months and these 7 months have BY FAR been the most difficult months of our entire relationship. To be fair, a lot has happened in our lives since we got married : my husband had a career change and started a new job (his dream job), I graduated from college, and I lost my part-time job. We have been struggling financially and fighting fairly frequently .We love each other very much and I am absolutely positive that if we didn't, one of us surely would have packed our bags by now. And I think that person would have been me.

When my husband took on this new job we were under the impression that the travel would only be "occasionally." Well, unless occasionally means one week per month, then we were misled. Anxiety aside, I feel this is too much for a husband of mine to be traveling. I never wanted to marry someone who would be gone so often and I certainly have no plans to bring children into a family where the daddy is gone so frequently. My husband has always known this. Now we are stuck between our elation that he is finally getting to pursue what he loves and my desire to have a husband who doesn't travel so often. What do we do? How do we solve this issue? Obviously one of us is going to be very unhappy with the outcome but we can't seem to reach a compromise. Top that all off with him telling his boss in front of another co-worker that my "psychological well-being" is at stake every time he boards an airplane. He might as well just come out and say "I have a crazy person for a wife." Talk about humiliating. I just wish he would think (about someone besides himself) before he speaks.

I truly fear that this issue will be the downfall of our marriage. His inability to see that this is only 10% about anxiety and 90% about the kind of family I want for myself. I already find myself getting bitter and resentful, but I can't tell him that. He would only argue about how this affects him and get defensive over my refusal to compromise my own happiness as his expense. All the while not seeing the hypocrite that he is being. Anyway....

Enough about that for now. I'm sure I'll have more to post about it later as the impending date looms....May 25th for 7 days and another trip at the end of June for 5 days. Let the countdowns begin....

In other news, I was able to complete all daily task items on my list from Tuesday, although ASDI has yet to return my email or my voicemail. And not only did I cut out the pattern for the apron, I finished the entire thing!! I am pretty proud of myself.

My anxiety level has been up and down today. I had to go to my part-time job this morning which always brings on the anticipatory anxiety. I smoked half a cigarette on the way there in order to calm myself down. But don't tell my husband. We quit smoking (it's been a weak for me) despite the fact that I regularly rely on my cigarettes to get me through anxiety provoking situations. He doesn't understand that though. He just knows that he quit and that I said I would and that we can't afford it any longer. I don't expect him to understand how much smoking a cigarette really calms me down and I how much I need them to get through the day sometimes. I can't expect him to understand that because I don't know how to explain it to him. He needs to quit for health reasons and that is his #1 concern right now. If I don't quit, then he won't be successful. UUggghh, why is marriage so hard?????????

As I was saying, the feeling of needing to bolt immediately while thinking of excuses as to why I had to leave so suddenly/praying that my cell phone would ring so I could pretend that there was en emergency that I needed to attend to subsided after about 10 minutes. I worked for 2 hours and then called it a day--not because I was anxious but because I was out of work to do. Despite believing that my anxiety had crawled back into its hole, I still felt immense relief upon buckling myself in to the comfort of my car. Then I went to Target all by myself and bought a mop. I looooove Target and only recently has standing in line begun to cause me undue stress, I really hope this goes away soon because I like shopping way too much for anxiety to stand between me and it. If only I could parlay that motivation into other aspects of my life. Perhaps because I derive little joy from other things in my life. Something is seriously wrong with me.

So, for tomorrow I would like to accomplish the following:

1. 30 plus minutes of walking/jogging followed by light strength training.
2. Mop the kitchen floor with my new mop :)
3. Go to the bank.
4. Do a load of laundry.
5. Make the bed.

Seems like a lot. Maybe not to you. Here's too hoping that tomorrow (and every other day thereafter) is a good day.

May 5, 2009

I am terrified. Simply terrified. I was lying in bed last night and, as usual, having a difficult time falling asleep. It occurred to me that my anxiety is getting worse and worse, slowing creeping towards full blown agoraphobia. It seems that every month or so something new pops up that I am suddenly paralyzed with fear to do. Five years ago, I could do anything and go anywhere. Today there is so much that I can't do.

I decided that I need to do something. I have wanted to do something about this for a very long time. But I am scared. Scared because I know this endeavor is going to cause me great discomfort. I am going to have to force myself to confront my anxiety head on and stand up to those things that I fear the most. But how do you stand up to fearing fear? Where do I find the weak link in the vicious circle that has become my life? For now I am choosing to start right here, today.

The plan as it stands is to outline my thoughts and feelings first, followed by making an action plan. Then each and every day I will write about my progress and setbacks. One year from now I want to be able to look back at the person I am today and see a total stranger. Just like I look back now on the girl I used to be--a girl who is barely recognizable and slips further and further away with each passing day.

Sometimes I think that my anxiety is an addiction. Obviously, I developed it as a means to cope with something in my life that felt totally out of my control. I am still unsure as to what that something is, but I no longer want to band aid it's symptoms. These symptoms (combined with my inherent stubbornness) keep me from letting go of this addiction--the mechanism I have created just to get through each day. Just to have a reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Maybe I need my own 12-step program. If only one existed for those of us living with anxiety and depression. I work well with guides and outlines and this speaks volumes to me.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

If only I could take God out of it and replace it with the ability to do these things for myself. If you too struggle with anxiety, then this probably speaks to you, as well. Control, control, control. That's what it's all about for me and when I can not control my circumstances (which is almost always) then that is when the panic sets in. It's not that I don't believe in God, it's more that I don't care if I believe in God or not. I don't see how what I believe could have an influence on what actually is...if that makes any sense. I wish that I could just believe in God because I have heard that faith in something larger helps when relinquishing control, but doesn't that also seem like a cop out? It also doesn't help that my husband in a devout non-believer, and I am not in a place where I could go to church by myself.

Now onto the plan...

Here are my life goals. Things that I want to be able to do, without hesitation, in a year from now. (I reserve the right to add items to this list at anytime, but I will never remove any goals)

1. Finally get on an airplane and take a belated honeymoon with my husband.
2. Allow myself to get pregnant.
3. Drive on the beltway during rush hour.
4. Take a girls weekend away.
5. Start a new job doing something that I love.

But for now, I know that I have to take it one day at a time. Just for today, I will accomplish the following:

1. Call the Anxiety and Stress Disorder Institute of MD at Sheppard Pratt to see if they offer programs for people who can't afford their services. If the answer is no, then I will call the Pro Bono Project and attempt to be paired with a therapist who specializes in treating anxiety disorders.
2. Apply for at least one job.
3. Get out the pattern for Jackie's apron that I am making.
4. Eat three healthy meals and go for a 30 minute walk.
5. Make the bed.

They may seem like small steps, but accomplishing this today would be great. I have a tendency to wallow in my bad feelings and accomplish very little throughout the day, but today is going to be a good day. I got out of bed at 9 am despite not falling asleep until 2 am last night and I have goals for the day.

Here's to taking the first step....