May 11,2009

Super rough weekend, but I finally think I got through to my husband as to how much help I need...and how I can't do this by myself...and how I have no idea where to start. I broke down Saturday and Sunday. I didn't want to be home. I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to be around anyone. I didn't want to to be alone. But the husband made me go and and forced me to be around other people and in the end, I'm glad he did. Then I rewarded him by telling him that I am attracted to one of our new friends (see big secret in previous post).

It sounds a lot worse than it actually is. I have no desire to pursue anything and I LOVE my husband dearly. I think it's bad timing for a horrible combination of being angry at my husband for all his traveling, a culmination of hitting the bottom with my anxiety/depression, and just plain curiosity and enjoying this attention. The idea that someone wants to actually get to know me strikes me as odd because I am pretty sure that there isn't much to get to know. I might just be the world's most boring person. And yet, someone doesn't seem to think so. Intriguing? Yes, but also completely innocent. The best part is that my wonderful, logical husband completely understood. He made me feel much better by telling me that this is completely normal and that it would abnormal to go through life never being attracted to another man. He even said that he has been attracted to other women before and as long as we know our boundaries (I do) and stick to them (I will) then there is really no harm done. I am the queen of feeling guilty, so I am trying to feel a little less guilty about this.

I do love that man despite it all. A huge part of me is afraid that I am ruining his life because I can't emotionally handle being the wife he deserves right now. But he's known me for many, many years and he remembers well the girl I used to be and the girl I am trying to get back to. He won't let me forget and I love him for that. He holds out hope long after I have lost it. There is no way I could do this without him. However, that doesn't change the fact that I don't like that he travels once a month. And apparently he doesn't either. I guess maybe he is struggling with something too and it is possible that my issues are overshadowing his own. I think he is struggling with wanting to be in two places at once--here with me and pursuing his career wherever that might take him. Perhaps, me saying that he needs to find that balance and make sacrifices if need be (despite how true I believe that to be) is just as unfair and unreasonable as him telling me to "just relax" when I am anxious.

But that doesn't mean I want to settle. And neither should he.

On another note, I called the ASDI people again and left another voicemail. I also called the Pro Bono people and left a message. Both told me that I would hear back from them within 24 hours. Not being able to afford health care sucks. Big time. I can't help but feel that if I had all the money on the world, I would have alleviated this problem many moons ago. Alas, I don't have time to worry about what I don't have. We'll see if either of these routes gets me anywhere. Meanwhile, my husband is researching possible outlets for medication assistance just in case it comes to that, we will be prepared. We also have no prescription coverage. Is there no end to this madness???? I am a money pit. I am what you call a bad investment. I cost without contributing.

For today:

1. Call ASDI. (done)
2. Call Pro Bono. (done)
3. Make the bed.
4. Straighten up the apartment.
5. Make turkey burgers for dinner.

It's a little chilly out, but I might try to go for a walk, as well.

Here's to receiving mental health care without breaking the bank. I am human, I deserve nothing less.