May 7, 2009

I guess this isn't going as well as I had hoped. Despite yesterday not being such a good day, I really didn't have time or energy to write about it. I am trying to keep in mind that if I can just push through the lack of desire and start writing, then I will be much happier that I did it....

So, my marriage isn't exactly doing as well as it should be. We've only been married for a little over 7 months and these 7 months have BY FAR been the most difficult months of our entire relationship. To be fair, a lot has happened in our lives since we got married : my husband had a career change and started a new job (his dream job), I graduated from college, and I lost my part-time job. We have been struggling financially and fighting fairly frequently .We love each other very much and I am absolutely positive that if we didn't, one of us surely would have packed our bags by now. And I think that person would have been me.

When my husband took on this new job we were under the impression that the travel would only be "occasionally." Well, unless occasionally means one week per month, then we were misled. Anxiety aside, I feel this is too much for a husband of mine to be traveling. I never wanted to marry someone who would be gone so often and I certainly have no plans to bring children into a family where the daddy is gone so frequently. My husband has always known this. Now we are stuck between our elation that he is finally getting to pursue what he loves and my desire to have a husband who doesn't travel so often. What do we do? How do we solve this issue? Obviously one of us is going to be very unhappy with the outcome but we can't seem to reach a compromise. Top that all off with him telling his boss in front of another co-worker that my "psychological well-being" is at stake every time he boards an airplane. He might as well just come out and say "I have a crazy person for a wife." Talk about humiliating. I just wish he would think (about someone besides himself) before he speaks.

I truly fear that this issue will be the downfall of our marriage. His inability to see that this is only 10% about anxiety and 90% about the kind of family I want for myself. I already find myself getting bitter and resentful, but I can't tell him that. He would only argue about how this affects him and get defensive over my refusal to compromise my own happiness as his expense. All the while not seeing the hypocrite that he is being. Anyway....

Enough about that for now. I'm sure I'll have more to post about it later as the impending date looms....May 25th for 7 days and another trip at the end of June for 5 days. Let the countdowns begin....

In other news, I was able to complete all daily task items on my list from Tuesday, although ASDI has yet to return my email or my voicemail. And not only did I cut out the pattern for the apron, I finished the entire thing!! I am pretty proud of myself.

My anxiety level has been up and down today. I had to go to my part-time job this morning which always brings on the anticipatory anxiety. I smoked half a cigarette on the way there in order to calm myself down. But don't tell my husband. We quit smoking (it's been a weak for me) despite the fact that I regularly rely on my cigarettes to get me through anxiety provoking situations. He doesn't understand that though. He just knows that he quit and that I said I would and that we can't afford it any longer. I don't expect him to understand how much smoking a cigarette really calms me down and I how much I need them to get through the day sometimes. I can't expect him to understand that because I don't know how to explain it to him. He needs to quit for health reasons and that is his #1 concern right now. If I don't quit, then he won't be successful. UUggghh, why is marriage so hard?????????

As I was saying, the feeling of needing to bolt immediately while thinking of excuses as to why I had to leave so suddenly/praying that my cell phone would ring so I could pretend that there was en emergency that I needed to attend to subsided after about 10 minutes. I worked for 2 hours and then called it a day--not because I was anxious but because I was out of work to do. Despite believing that my anxiety had crawled back into its hole, I still felt immense relief upon buckling myself in to the comfort of my car. Then I went to Target all by myself and bought a mop. I looooove Target and only recently has standing in line begun to cause me undue stress, I really hope this goes away soon because I like shopping way too much for anxiety to stand between me and it. If only I could parlay that motivation into other aspects of my life. Perhaps because I derive little joy from other things in my life. Something is seriously wrong with me.

So, for tomorrow I would like to accomplish the following:

1. 30 plus minutes of walking/jogging followed by light strength training.
2. Mop the kitchen floor with my new mop :)
3. Go to the bank.
4. Do a load of laundry.
5. Make the bed.

Seems like a lot. Maybe not to you. Here's too hoping that tomorrow (and every other day thereafter) is a good day.