I decided that I need to do something. I have wanted to do something about this for a very long time. But I am scared. Scared because I know this endeavor is going to cause me great discomfort. I am going to have to force myself to confront my anxiety head on and stand up to those things that I fear the most. But how do you stand up to fearing fear? Where do I find the weak link in the vicious circle that has become my life? For now I am choosing to start right here, today.
The plan as it stands is to outline my thoughts and feelings first, followed by making an action plan. Then each and every day I will write about my progress and setbacks. One year from now I want to be able to look back at the person I am today and see a total stranger. Just like I look back now on the girl I used to be--a girl who is barely recognizable and slips further and further away with each passing day.
Sometimes I think that my anxiety is an addiction. Obviously, I developed it as a means to cope with something in my life that felt totally out of my control. I am still unsure as to what that something is, but I no longer want to band aid it's symptoms. These symptoms (combined with my inherent stubbornness) keep me from letting go of this addiction--the mechanism I have created just to get through each day. Just to have a reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Maybe I need my own 12-step program. If only one existed for those of us living with anxiety and depression. I work well with guides and outlines and this speaks volumes to me.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
If only I could take God out of it and replace it with the ability to do these things for myself. If you too struggle with anxiety, then this probably speaks to you, as well. Control, control, control. That's what it's all about for me and when I can not control my circumstances (which is almost always) then that is when the panic sets in. It's not that I don't believe in God, it's more that I don't care if I believe in God or not. I don't see how what I believe could have an influence on what actually is...if that makes any sense. I wish that I could just believe in God because I have heard that faith in something larger helps when relinquishing control, but doesn't that also seem like a cop out? It also doesn't help that my husband in a devout non-believer, and I am not in a place where I could go to church by myself.
Now onto the plan...
Here are my life goals. Things that I want to be able to do, without hesitation, in a year from now. (I reserve the right to add items to this list at anytime, but I will never remove any goals)
1. Finally get on an airplane and take a belated honeymoon with my husband.
2. Allow myself to get pregnant.
3. Drive on the beltway during rush hour.
4. Take a girls weekend away.
5. Start a new job doing something that I love.
But for now, I know that I have to take it one day at a time. Just for today, I will accomplish the following:
1. Call the Anxiety and Stress Disorder Institute of MD at Sheppard Pratt to see if they offer programs for people who can't afford their services. If the answer is no, then I will call the Pro Bono Project and attempt to be paired with a therapist who specializes in treating anxiety disorders.
2. Apply for at least one job.
3. Get out the pattern for Jackie's apron that I am making.
4. Eat three healthy meals and go for a 30 minute walk.
5. Make the bed.
They may seem like small steps, but accomplishing this today would be great. I have a tendency to wallow in my bad feelings and accomplish very little throughout the day, but today is going to be a good day. I got out of bed at 9 am despite not falling asleep until 2 am last night and I have goals for the day.
Here's to taking the first step....
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