Anatomy of Panic Attack

Yes, it is true. I am having a panic attack as we speak. I am trying to write through this, so I apologize if I seem incoherent or I can't spell. I have really been panicking since about 7:oo last night. Tim left for another trip today--he is all the way on the other side of the country. Or rather, he will be. Right now he is sitting in the airport waiting for his plane to leave, which is in about 45 minutes. I can't handle this. I am nervous about him flying and about him being away from me, you know, just in case I need him. For what? I don't know, but it comforts me to know he is usually never more than a short drive away from me. This weekend he will be a 4 hour plane ride away. Most of all, I just don't want to feel like this all weekend. It's almost 8 am here, but I didn't really sleep much last night. And I can't sleep now. I am all alone. My two best friends are at work, my mom is at the beach, and my husband is at the airport.

I feel awful. My heart is racing, I can't stop crying. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't think this is ever going to end. He comes home Sunday afternoon, so I have the next 55 hours to feel this way. I can't make it stop. I can't make it go back down. I have been bouncing from a full blown 10 to a 6 to a 3 only to have it shoot right back up to 10 again. I am trying to change my attitude, I am trying not to think "what if...," I am trying to breathe deep. None of it seems to be working. So, I took to my blog to try to write my thoughts out. But I find that I have nothing to say or write about. So, let's take this step-by-step:

what if's going through my mind:

• what if his plane crashes?
• what if he has to work to0 hard and gets too tired?
• what if these anxious sensations never go away?
• what if i can't make it through the entire weekend?
• what if there is a thunderstorm (or worse, a tornado) while he is gone and I am all alone?
• what if i can fall back asleep?
• what if someone needs me but I am too anxious to help them?
• what if this is the day where I finally go crazy?
• what if i have to go to the emergency room when I don't have insurance so i can't afford to go?
• what if i never see him again and the last minutes I had with him were while I was panicking?

I am sure more will come to me later, but that is all I can think about right now. So, what do I do next? I guess I should write out why none of these things are actually going to happen:

• the chances of his plane crashing are so slim. apparently, it is safer to fly than to drive and he drives to work every day. perhaps, i should just consider this his morning commute. just because i get anxious at the idea of flying doesn't mean that he will. many, many people fly everyday, all day and nothing bad happens at all. and even if (god forbid) something was going to happen, it is completely out of my control and no amount of worrying on my part could prevent it or make it happen.
  
• he probably won't work himself too hard. it will only be 10:30 am when he gets to Colorado and he doesn't have to report to the shoot until tomorrow. it is true, that he has to get up super early tomorrow morning, but as long as he gets to bed early tonight then he should be fine in the morning. he has done this so many times and nothing bad has ever come of it. the human body is resilient and it built to take a little hard work. then he gets to come home on sunday and i can let him catch up on his rest all day.
• it is impossible to for these sensations to never go away. i have felt them so many times before and they always go away eventually.
  
• can't make it through the entire weekend? i don't really see another option. worse case scenario, i feel anxious all weekend, but regardless I will come out on the other side.
  
• yes, i am terrified of thunderstorms, but i have lived through so many. thunderstorms can't last forever anyway. there's a chance it won't even storm anyway. and when was the last time we had a tornado is MD?
  
• the chances of someone needing me, are very slim. just because i imagine all these worst case scenarios in my head, doesn't mean they are going to happen. to me or to anyone. and even if someone does need me, i could probably push my anxiety aside and do what i needed to do for someone that i love.
  
• if this is the day that i finally go crazy, then so be it. if i really were to go crazy, i wouldn't even know any better. isn't that the very definition of crazy?
• chances are that i won't have to go to the emergency room. i have had to do so before. and even if i did, we could always find someway to pay for it. money should be the least of my concerns right now.
  
• i will see him again. he always come home to me. and if i can hold it together when he calls me before he boards his plane, then i can use that as another opportunity to make sure that those moments aren't full of panic. or at least i can try my best.
  

That's all I got. I sort of feel a little better. I was still up and down while writing that list. At the moment I am at a 4 or so. But I am still anticipating that rising to a 10. Darn anticipation...it's truly the worst part. All I want is for him to be home already. Someone please help me to make the thoughts go away.....